Learning to Live, Living to Learn

I am mad at myself because I started THIS blog with all the right intentions and wanting it to be my priority so bad. But I have to stop all that. It is great to hold myself accountable but I have realized that all my life I have held myself too accountable. I had been trying to live up to some crazy high standard. I am sure it is a combination of my physical and soul being and my upbringing and those who provided it. The standard is too high and why I have always felt never enough. In the past week I have had so much on my mind and this is one thing I realized, the other is how much I have changed since I have been with my soulmate - in three and half years I have shedded so much of the fake me, the pretend me - the facade I was using to make everyone else happy. And inside the real me was slowly dieing.

I have tried to tell him but I always sugarcoat it too much. But I was pretty close to ending my life right about when we got together. I was in such a dark place and my situation was terrible. I felt hopeless and worthless and believed everyone around me would be better off without me. . Now although I can recollect those feelings I cant imagine ever feeling that way again. Although I am not completely whole either. I work every day to defeat the bad things in my mind - both genetic and engrained by upbringing. After a a rough week of self doubt I realized I needed to get back to this blog. Like I say on my home page, I need somewhere I can be just me all the time. Me and my love haven't done well as a unit this past week either, but a text conversation earlier is going to help move forward.

So I am going to publish this and then eat lunch, do a few things around the house then come back to the blog and work on some more content and learn more about adding content and pages.

Please help me fulfill my dreams and follow and subscribe :)